Oftentimes online in 2017, I find myself in a dilemma. Should I prioritise advocating happiness and finding the joys in everyday and chasing your dreams or should I share the inner goings-on that make my mind bubble over with thoughts that won’t keep quiet? But I suppose if there’s one thing I’ve learned in recent online months, it’s that a ‘problem’ shared in a post is a problem halved and I almost always feel a cathartic sense of relief after hitting ‘publish’ on all sorts of posts.
Today is Saturday. Well, technically it’s Sunday, midnight. I turned 26 not more than three days ago and it felt weird. I celebrated my birthday in a happy haze and the haze felt very real and tangible. Like I was watching on as somebody else went through the motions of a birthday. For a few minutes each hour, I felt as though I was wading through treacle, like that recurring nightmare so many of us had as kids. Truth be told, I’ve been suffering with terrifying nightmares for weeks now, every night that I’m not slumbering beside my boyfriend. Nightmares that render me unable to get back to sleep, that send my mind into overdrive; nightmares that stay with me long after I awaken. I always share them with H. I’m uncertain why they occur but they always seem to do so. I feel nauseous tonight and crippled with anxiety in waves. I feel seasick in a world that seems to require us to be doing something worthwhile all the damn time. I’m trying to make decisions that are beyond my comprehension. I want a break and to just be and to stop comparing myself to others at every opportune moment. Even as I write this, I can’t help but feel utterly selfish in this modern-day ‘game’ of girl-bossing it and ‘love yourself before anyone else’. I can be selfish and selfless at the same time, it seems.
I’m restless, too. My previous routine of finding something and just one something per evening to occupy myself with has gone out of the window that I’m scared to open. I’ve watched 10 minutes of several series on Netflix only to flick out in search of something else. I’ve checked and double checked all of my social media apps for non-existent notifications because I can’t think of anything worthwhile to share. I’ve questioned my ability a thousand times because of the actions of somebody else some 5 years ago. Self care is out of the window but I’m struggling to pinpoint a way that I’m doing anything at all. And all the while, my heart and brain is racing at 100mph.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: life has its’ ups and downs and they cannot always be quantified. They’re certainly not always tangible. Reading such beautifully worded responses to my often-mundane and not-my-best blog posts makes me feel happy in the moment and then wholly undeserving the next. I suppose life throws these curveballs at us to remind us that we should always express gratitude where we can. That what’s meant for one is not always for another. So, thank you for your small notes of encouragement when I’m questioning everything about myself. (I still feel seasick!)
Written Sunday 5th March, 00:02am.