I’ve really been beating myself up this year, perhaps longer, about why I’ve been unable to find my thing, to settle on a niche or an aesthetic, and even to define who I am or want to me.
I guess that’s the thing about a global pandemic: it forces you to find what’s important and learn about what’s essential, to you at least. Anxiety clouds hovered above me for weeks and months, eventually cosseting me so tightly I could barely muster the energy to get out of bed. But, somehow, I did. I’d wake slowly, clutching my Nintendo Switch for a generous dose of Animal Crossing. I’d lose my thoughts as my creative energy bounded forth, conjuring up virtual vignettes of the things in my head. (I’ve documented them all here!) Somewhat reluctantly, I’d get out of bed and go through the motions to get myself just-about ready. No hair-brushing, not getting out of my pyjama bottoms, and certainly not any makeup.
Somewhere in-between these moments, I’ve uncovered that my self and my projected self don’t align. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been beating myself up; I feel the most ‘me’ here, yet day-to-day I market non-essentials and encourage people to buy into capitalism. That’s not me. How did I even get here?! We’re learning this together as I type! Have I chased after this for myself, or did I feel pushed to by the expectations of those around me? Likely the latter. And I keep beating myself up about it. But the magic of reality is that we continue, life and jobs and individual journeys continue, twisting and turning until one day we’re living the life we dreamed of but had never expected. I think I’ve mostly been at a stop along the way, not my dreamed destination. Yet taking the plunge to start a new handmade business in a pandemic has nourished me, it’s taught me that that is what I’ve been seeking.
For months I’ve felt incredibly guilty but also very much honest about my struggles. I can show up for Real Life and sometimes online, but it’s a struggle. It’s been a struggle, one that’s slowly getting easier. More than ever I’m leaning into seeking the petite joys, the crevices of everyday magic amongst the day’s mundane. Despite how hard I’ve found things, it’s been a relief to know that my friends are right there with and for me, and that this community we’ve built here is also always here. When I word-spill in abundance and barely even spell check never mind proof-read, I feel the virtual embrace through your replies, the Bloglovin’ ‘Loves’, and social media shares. I’m so grateful that you continue to enjoy this space, through all of my messy mistakes, concurrent curveballs, joyous highs and lamenting lows.
Here’s your reminder, today, that it’s perfectly fine to still be looking for that elusive ‘you thing’, 29 years into life.
