The other evening I was sailing through to London on my morning commute, book on my lap, starting aimlessly into the distance, my thoughts at war with one another.
‘Go and do the thing tonight Mish, break away from your routine and enjoy London; browse Liberty London, walk in a park…’ vs. ‘Get on your 5.40pm train in the second carriage from the end, read 50 pages of your book and just do what you do every evening.’
I experience this often, at least once a week, desperate to just make it through another commute but also trying to work out if I’m making the best use of my time. (I’m not.) Much of the time, I’m aware that it’s an off-cut from my anxious mind and I can stop the thoughts in their tracks, stop them from spiralling. It’s no wonder that two of my main anxieties lie in a) train-related things, and b) worry and angst about whether or not I’m making the best use of my time. Then, I feel like I need to make up those hours lost to anxiety by working long into the night on various projects, regardless of my own health — physical, mental or otherwise.
A few evenings ago whilst I was bullet journalling, writing out some of my lost thoughts led me to realise something. I treat life like it’s a dress rehearsal for something grander.
And not in an ‘I don’t take myself too seriously!!1!’ special snowflake sort of way. I realised that I’ve been living in default mode for god only knows how long. Most annoyingly, since realising this fact, it’s served only to panic and stunt me and I’ve found it tough to untangle myself from the cyclical thoughts.
‘I’ll do it like this when I’ve got that.’ ‘Once this happens, I’ll definitely start doing that.’ ‘Life will truly begin when we’ve achieved this.’
We think that we have the luxury of time but sadly we don’t. Hours, minutes, moments pass by before we even notice it; that’s one of my personal struggles, realising how few hours there are to savour outside of non-negotiables. We save the best for undetermined milestones; new outfits for special occasions, a fresh face mask for Sunday night… I seem to be saving everything for when we move into our first home, yet as more hurdles are thrust at us, the less energy and willpower I have to work towards the milestone in hand.
Creating a 2020 Vision Board and practicing the Law of Attraction
Something that I’ve been keenly getting into is the Law of Attraction and manifesting. It sounds a little woo-woo, but I’ve already found it to help me feel more aligned. It’s also made me more ‘productive’ in working towards the life I want to live and actively living as much of that as I can. Manifesting boils down to attracting what you want in life by being grateful and positive towards what you have and being clear and intentional on exactly what it is that you want.
For so long I’ve felt that I’ve been floundering about what I want, but vision-boarding what I want my life to look and feel like, and making a list of what I want career, lifestyle, home, fitness and leisure-wise has helped enormously. I’ve created a Pinterest board to document my 2020 vision board but offline I’ve been honing in on exactly what I want my life to look like, hand-in-hand with what I want my life with Harvey to look like, and I’ve been asking the universe for it.
Being a little more present
Next, I’m being more mindful about my day and how it’s set up. The first thing I did was literally ask for my dream working week, which I’m thrilled to now have. I’m incredibly grateful to be in such a fortunate position, and I don’t take it for granted at all. My bullet journal now has dedicated space in it to record longer journal entries. I write my gratitude and goals down in the present tense, as though I already have all that I want. Victoria from Apartment Number 4 has a number of brilliant posts about affirmations and manifesting, if this interests you.
In general, being more present has hugely helped. Rather than being lost in my thoughts about how things could be, manifesting has helped me to live in the moment and really bring those goals forwards. It feels good to be actively working within my goals, if that makes sense, and to feel continuously grateful for what I already have. It feels as though I already have my dream life — and in many ways I do — keeping those ‘dress rehearsal’ feelings at bay.
Have you ever felt similarly that you’re living life as a dress rehearsal? And do you practice manifestation?